Image by oh estelle via Flickr

A man dies and goes to heaven.  Of couse, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.  St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works.  You need 100 points to make it into heaven.  You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.  When you reach 100 points, you get in.”

“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”

“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”

“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”

“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”

“One point?  Golly.  How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”

“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.

“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!”

“Come on in!”

Image by Sacred Destinations via Flickr

Two Christians hve lived ver good, and also very healthy lives.  They die, and go to heaven.

As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one turns to the other and says “Wow, I never knew heaven was going to be as good as this!”

“Yeah,” says the other. “And just think, if we hadn’t eaten all that oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner.”

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.  While on the operating table she has a near death experience.  During that experience she see God and asks if this is it.  God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.   She even has someone come in and change her hair color.  she figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

she walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by.  She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”

God replies, “I didn’t recognize you.”

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A priest, an evangelist, and a minster were in a row boat in the middle of a pond fishing.  Non of them had caught anything all morning.

Then the evangelist stands up and says he needs to go to the bathroom so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore.   he comes back ten minutes later the same way.

Then the minister decides he needs to go to the bathroom, too, so he climbs out of the boat and walks on the water to shore.  He, too, comes back the same way ten minutes later.

The priest looks at both of them and decides that his faith is just as strong as his fishing buddies and that he will walk on water, too.  He stands up and excuses himself.  As he steps out he makes a big splash down into the water.

The evangelist looks at the minister and says, “I suppose we should have told him where the rocks were.”

1-Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!

2-Try our Sundays.  They are better than Baskin-Robbins.

3-Searching for a new look?  Have your faith lifted here.

4-An ad for a Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast, relief, take two tablets.

5-When the restaurant next to the church put out a big sign that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”

6-Have trouble sleeping?  We have sermons–come hear one!

7-Come in and pray today.  Beat the Christmans rush!

8-sign Broken.  message inside this Sunday.

9-Come work for the Lord.  The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low.  But the retirement benefits are out of this world!

10-If you’re headed in the wrong direction,  God allow U-turns.